Post-thesis in Budapest
I’m sipping hot coffee in Budapest, only one day after I defended my thesis. Thinking about my future, how (not) to answer my ex’s congratulations, planning the most amazing summer and how cute the barista is.
Post hangover, all these thoughts hits me like a confused storm. I didn’t drink much yesterday and yet I feel like shit. I was on a good trajectory of not drinking anymore, then my life got fucked up and here I am enjoying life, or at least what people mean with enjoying. I’ll probably get another coffee to wake up a little more. In this physically place that is neither my home nor my place of study I allow things to wonder, give permission to not know and being lost. I usually know how to go from there, but this time I only know that I’ll figure it out. Once again. I guess I am not looking for an answer right now but I’m trying to figure out bunch of things.
In particular I am at a turning point in my life (well it’s rather a sequence of choices, but this choice will have the biggest impact on the next 4 years), in which I need to gain clarity about 3 things.
First of all: what I want to study, why and where. I think I have the answer to the “what and where” but it’s quite challenging to answer exactly why. It is true that I have been on this path for a while, and I shouldn’t always doubt every choice, but at this point I either have to double down and go all in. Or pull out and become a gardener or something. Why do I want to go into PhD?
Second: who I want around. For a lot of time I settled for people I found around, instead now I am capable of saying no. This trip and past months just showed me that I can solo trip and rather stay alone if I really need, but it also showed me that life can be sooo much better with the right friends and people. Because of this in the next months I really want to chose every time whom I want around, and I don’t mean for the casual thing, but for the long term.
Third: what is my vision like the long term the impossible project that I always need to keep in mind. My north star of life. Because in the end our life is the most precious, ambitious and awesome project that each one will work on, consciously or not. That’s your existence male it great. How do I do that?
Bonus: i was grateful enough to graduate from a master that not only gave me research freedom and many possibilities to explore but gave me an insight of what it means to be financially okay. In few years I passed from thinking oh can I afford this? what are the implications of me buying such and such? To okay, how much time does that saves me or what does it gives to me? Fun and friends, food and health I want to give a much more liquid availability all the rest is downstream tasks…
It took me a while to realize this.